Mia and Sai adopted their son Ebi

Mia and Sai had always wanted a family and after looking into many agencies, they chose PACT.

“PACT was by far the most helpful, considerate and kind. The adopters who talked at the information event were really honest and positive about their experience and the social workers talked through our questions.”

The adoption process was intense for Mia and Sai but also unexpectedly therapeutic.

“It opened up conversations between us as a couple and individual reflections on our childhoods which was helpful when going into being parents ourselves.”

Mia is White British and Sai is of British Bangladeshi heritage. The couple were open to a child of either heritage but ideally, they wanted to adopt a mixed-heritage child.

When they saw Ebi’s profile, they felt it would be a good match. “He looked adorable with a really cheeky smile. “

Mia noted that being a mixed heritage couple meant there were lots of children’s profiles to look at. “It was also very sad as you realise there are many more children than there are adopters.”

Meeting Ebi for the first time was exciting and nerve-wracking for the couple.

“It was hard to hold back and let him come to us. I really wanted to go and give him a massive cuddle and start playing with him but we needed to make sure he felt safe and remember that we were visitors to his space.

“Ebi took to Sai very quickly and started playing with him straight away which was unexpected. Sai was in tears. Ebi didn’t want us to leave and we didn’t want to either!”

The day that Ebi moved in, Mia and Sai were very nervous. Mia describes how she couldn’t stop crying.

“It was incredibly emotional and overwhelming. I felt like we were stealing someone else’s baby. The foster carers were amazing with helping me with my feelings.”

At first, Ebi was very excited but soon became distressed when he realised that his foster carers were not returning to get him.

“The first few weeks were incredibly hard and emotionally draining. Ebi was angry, scared and upset. He kept crying, throwing things and didn’t smile for what felt like a long time.”

Mia and Sai had the added difficulty that it was during the Covid-19 pandemic in 2020. The couple couldn’t introduce Ebi to their families and there were no baby groups to attend. Instead they attended many online sessions with PACT and Adoption UK to connect with other parents and went to their local park.

“Daily trips to the park gave Ebi and us a good routine. We made friends with another parent with a child of the same age. This was a real life-saver and we ended up timing our potty training at the same time and helping each other through development phases.

“I also spent a lot of time with another adopter who we’d met through one of the online courses at PACT and the boys got on really well.”

The couple also accessed support from PACT’s education support team.

“We got in touch a year before choosing primary school so we could make sure we made the right decision. The team was really helpful and gave us some excellent advice and resources to support us.”

Mia says that looking back, she wished they had asked for help sooner.

I think that now we would reach out much sooner. Sometimes it’s just a conversation and reassurance that we’re doing ok that we needed.”

*Names changed in line with confidentiality

Having different parenting styles is one of the biggest challenges that Mia and Sai have faced.

“We didn’t realise until crunch points how different our natural parenting styles are. We have learned not to negotiate in the moment and instead to wait for a time outside to agree on an approach together.”

The couple have also struggled to deal with questions from friends, family and parents.

“When Ebi came home, we had a neighbour run across the street to say she hadn’t thought she’d seen me pregnant – even though we’d told her we were adopting. Later on, we got asked which side of the family his curly hair comes from. It’s these types of questions that add up and grate still.”

Despite these challenges, Mia and Sai say that being Ebi’s mum and dad is amazing and there have been so many highlights.

“He is such a wonderful, joyful little boy and has so much curiosity and interest in the world.

“Reading bedtime stories, having rough and tumble play, cooking together, watching family movies, going on holidays and jumping in the swimming pool. Just the normal stuff I suppose, we feel so lucky he is in our family.”

Ebi is now in Year 1 at school and has made a great group of friends.

“He’s loving learning about castles and is really into music and dancing. Ebi did his first theatre holiday camp where they learned the musical Matilda. He loves running around the house singing the Revolting Children song!”

Mia and Sai have raised Ebi in a family of two faiths.

“I come from a mixed faith family – Catholic and Church of England and Sai was brought up Muslim. We celebrate the main festivals of both faiths and teach him to pray in both traditions, explaining that many people have different faiths and beliefs.”

Ebi often sees the wider Muslim side of the family and they have bought him a mini prayer mat which he loves to role-play pray with. We’ve also taken him to church and have told him the nativity story. He’s curious, interested and loves to incorporate faith into his play.”

The couple dream of a big family and are now going through the process of adopting a second time.

“It’s interesting to reflect on how our support circle has changed since our first time round. It’s been great meeting more potential adopters in our local area through PACT’s training. The training has also changed a lot and has more focus on birth family which we really like.”

To anyone considering adoption, Mia said:

“Do it! There are so many children waiting for families who are just right for them and there will be a child you are just right for.”

Go into it with your eyes wide open. Make the most of any opportunity for social workers to talk to family and friends. Speak to other adopters, go to adoption open evenings, follow people on social media (for example @notafictionalmum), read books and join support groups.”

“Before your little one comes home, it’s so important that you take time to rest, go to the cinema, go on holiday, go out for the evening and enjoy your alone time.”