Natasha and her husband adopted Amelia who has cerebral palsy

After having their birth son through IVF treatment, Natasha and her husband decided to choose adoption as their path to parenthood for their second child. They approached PACT because they had attended some of their local events and felt PACT’s ethos and approach matched their own. They brought home their daughter Amelia*, who has cerebral palsy, when she was 18 months old – their son was aged six at the time.

The couple made the decision to be open to adopting a child with disabilities early on in the adoption process. Natasha has worked in schools for many years and in doing so, has worked with children with a wide range of needs.

She said: “We had lots of discussions right from the start really with our social worker and with each other about different disabilities. We did have some pretty clear views about what we felt we could cope with and what we couldn’t cope with and our social worker also helped us.”

The couple decided that they would be comfortable welcoming a child with learning disabilities and/or physical disabilities or impairments. They said: “The wonderful matching team at PACT were there for us throughout the process, reassuring us it was about the right child and not just any child.”

They were matched with Amelia, and at this point they knew that she had been born prematurely and had a brain injury at birth which would result in a physical disability; they later found out that the diagnosis was cerebral palsy. Natasha and her husband sought out support early on from doctors and healthcare professionals to help them understand what Amelia’s needs might look like. Natasha said: “We certainly went into it with our eyes wide open and we felt that we had done our homework.”

Natasha and her husband were keen to involve their birth son in the adoption process, talking to him as much as was appropriate for his age about the decisions they were making. He was able to come to one of the introductions to meet Amelia and he was excited to be involved in creating an introductory book and recording messages to send to his future sister.

When Amelia first moved in with them, it was a tough period for the family. A week after she came home to them, Natasha and her husband observed that Amelia was further behind than they had expected in terms of her physical capabilities. They met with a physiotherapist for an assessment and learned that Amelia’s needs were greater than had initially been anticipated. The couple had expected Amelia to have weakness in one side of her body, which would mean she would have weakness in one arm and walk with a limp in the future. Instead, through further assessments it was discovered that Amelia had weakness in all four limbs and would likely never walk independently, and would always need some level of support to live an independent life.

Natasha said: “That was pretty catastrophic because we had not really intended to take on a child with that level of need. That was the start of the worst weekend of our lives because we had to decide very rapidly whether we wanted to keep her. We had had no sleep and suddenly had to decide whether we had the capacity to care for a child – as her full-time carers – forever.”

After the initial shock, they came to the decision that they would go ahead with the adoption and began seeking support and advice to help them care for their daughter. They found that once this support began, they slowly felt better about the situation and were not so isolated.

Natasha said: “It was about battling through those dark times, getting support, shouting loud and eventually it’s just normal life. It was really tough for about two or three months because you’re on very steep learning curve about how to care for a child with additional needs or disabilities. But once we had those skills, and we realised that she’s pretty tough and that we can’t actually break her and that her needs are not terribly different to any other child, we just got on with it really. And now, most of the days, quite honestly I forget that she’s disabled and she’s just our daughter.”

She may be disabled and she may be adopted, but that is all just one part of who she is. She is my family and we are hers.“

Despite things improving, Natasha said there was still a period of grief. “When I talked to other parents who have children with cerebral palsy or any type of special needs, there is a massive period of grief because what you had anticipated for that child is suddenly kicked off course… I think that’s normal for any parent, whether you’re an adopted parent or a birth parent who gets that diagnosis.” She said they received amazing support from PACT during this time.

Several years later, the family are doing well. Natasha finds that accessing support for Amelia can still be a challenge and they have to fight to make sure their voice is heard, but building up this support network has been a crucial step towards help them thrive as a family. “There are a huge amount of organisations out there that are absolutely fantastic and can help you and you’ve just got to keep finding them until you’ve got that support network. And once you’re there it’s amazing.”

We have a whole new world now. We’re deeply involved in disability sports, parental groups, and it’s a whole new world that is amazing and that most parents don’t get to see.”

– Natasha reflecting on how Amelia has changed their lives for the better

In terms of life story work and contact with Amelia’s birth family, Natasha and her husband have always been very open with both their children. As a family they frequently talk about her birth relatives and they have a life story book with photos that Amelia often looks at. She also has letterbox contact with one of her siblings. Although Natasha expected this aspect of being an adoptive parent to be difficult, she said they are actually very comfortable talking to Amelia about her birth family: “I had expected that to be a big painful process and very daunting but it wasn’t, and it does feel very natural to talk about these people.”

Reflecting back on their journey, Natasha said there have been so many positives to adopting a child with additional needs: “She is absolutely astonishing. She has taken our lives down a path that we didn’t even know existed. For example, she’s currently playing for a cerebral palsy football team, she’s about to be a mascot in a big national game; there are conversations about in the future if she may be interested in the Paralympics and this whole very exciting world has opened up.

“She is an absolute pleasure to be with because she’s taught us so much about resilience and personality and character. So I would say there are challenges you won’t have planned but the rewards are double. I really do believe she was the child for us despite those dark days because she’s amazing and this whole new world has opened up for us.”

“I think when you have a child with additional needs you really celebrate every single little win—it’s like it’s under a magnifying glass. For example she’s now got a walking frame and she’s managed to use that to walk about 10 metres and I think if you’ve had a child without a physical disability they get up and they walk and that’s just normal, but when you watch a disabled child do that for the first time it is absolutely astonishing… you just can’t imagine what that feels like.

“Our son has got an incredible understanding of disabilities, additional needs and different lifestyles or strengths—he’s a better person for having grown up with her. I actually see on a daily basis the impact she has on the people around her because she really challenges the stereotypes of disability; she blows that apart because she’s so strong and resilient and tough and it doesn’t fit the mould. I watch the way she impacts the people around her and I’m very excited for the impact she’s going to have on the world as she grows up because she is a mover and a shaker.

“And it might sound a bit cliché but it is an absolute honour to be with her and to see her develop.”

To anyone considering adopting a child with additional needs, Natasha says:

“I would say just be brave. The thought that we all would have missed out on this life because we’d been too scared—it’s catastrophic. And not just for her, but for us. We all would have missed out on this incredible human being who is going to change the world. If we had been overwhelmed and frightened, we would have missed everything. So I’m just so glad that we pushed through.

“I can tell you that all the parents I know who have birth children with disabilities would tell you the same. They would tell you that once you come through that initial period they would never have it any other way.

“Having children is hard work, and I don’t actually think my daughter is harder work than my able-bodied son, they’re just different.

“So just be brave and keep pushing through because these kids will blow your mind and you won’t regret it.”

*Name changed for confidentiality